THERESISTANCE

(1990, sun valley, ca: i'm the tall androgynous-looking kid with the paige-boy haircut . . . president of the future teachers of america club, 6th grade, at roscoe elementary school. oh, and btw, i was a narcissistic asshole back then, so that's why i wrote "me beautiful me" . . . i'm a dick.)

i hermit.

i hermit when things in my life go awry, which is, in recent days, much more often than i'd like. i hermit because it's painful--physically, mentally and emotionally painful--asking for help or for comfort. i prefer squirelling myself away into some dark corner and working things out.

alone.

so, i've been hermitting.

several weeks ago, i did, indeed, get RIFed (reduction in force, made redundant . . . canned . . . you get the idea).

i thought i was fine. i made jokes to all my friends about how i'd wash their windows, mow their lawns, clip their toe nails . . . and in a worst case scenario, prostitute my wares to the highest bidder.

well, i'm not ok.

as i face down the real possibility of losing the one thing i've ever really wanted to do, the one thing i've ever done well--teaching--i'm finding i'm definitely NOT OK.

teaching is all i've ever wanted to do.

when i was in 6th grade at roscoe elementary school in sun valley, i was president of the future teachers of america club.

and sure, i also wanted to be a rockette, an astronaut, mary poppins . . . and at my family's not-so-subtle behest, a lawyer . . . i always came back to teaching as my dream.

it was my FIRST CHOICE. yes, FIRST. not second or third. not plan B or C or D. it's what i've always dreamt of doing.

always.

and i believed--mistakenly so--that as long as i worked hard, loved the kids, taught them well, encouraged them, helped them, served as a good role model i'd get to keep on teaching.

but i was wrong.

although tenured, i didn't have sufficient seniority with which to save my faculty position.

and, apparently, what matters most is years of service, not the quality of that service.

it's so fucked. good and truly fucked. sans lube. dry, painful, inexpert, passionless fucked.

y'know, they say that "those who can't do, teach" . . . but some of us who CAN, CHOOSE to teach and teach WELL.

and we teach, yes, but we do so much more besides. we encourage and nurture and counsel and laugh and bring joy and knowledge and perspective and questioning and understanding . . . and if we're lucky, inspiration.

i take it back, peeps. i take it all back.

i don't want to wash your windows or mow your lawns or dole out pedicures or blowjobs.

i don't want to be a rockette or an astronaut or mary poppins or a lawyer.

i don't want to be a textbook editor or an administrator or a substitute.

i want to be what i've always been, what i've always known i'd be and what i always hope to be: a teacher.

FALLINGAWAYWITHYOU

SOOOOOOO . . . here are a few of my pictures from spring break, april 2010, in england and scotland.

late, yes, but suck it.

not a whole lot to say about my trip, other than it reaffirmed my love of all things united kingdom . . . and that i want to live there forever and ever and ever and EVER.

this time, no-one called me a "fat cunt" and prompted me to jump off of a bridge.

PROBABLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO WALES!

j/k.

i love my welsh peeps.

i had an incredible time--one i won't soon forget. wish i could do justice to all the beauty i saw, but alas, i have a shit camera.

basically, take my word for it and visit. and even if you've already gone, go back!

it's THAT wonderful.

lovely place. lovely people.

go.

NOW!

(all photos: edinburgh, scotland, uk. such a GORGEOUS place, edinburgh. more gorgeous, i think, than london. too bad the weather was utter shite and i couldn't take more or better photos. seriously fucking cool place. as if i wasn't already in love with the uk!)

(you just have to LOOOOOOOVE a people whose motto is: NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT. in latin: no-one injures me with impunity. or as i like to put it: nobody fucks with me and gets away with it, beeeeeeeyotch!)



(below: somewhere near auchterarder, scotland, uk.)

(so, i know you're tempted to say, "lana! OMG, you dyed your hair red, girl!" but actually, this isn't me, it's an aberdeen angus . . . AND I LOOOOOOOVE THEM! i named this one molly. they come in black, too! a bit like chewbacca made love with a cow.)


(THIS is me--though NOT in the uk. but it's me. and it's me from an angle that doesn't make me look fat. it IS possible. i call it the "facebook angle". you ever notice that almost all facebook photos are from THIS angle? it's because it makes people look thinner. like me. if you saw me in real life, you'd wonder, "who is the person in THIS picture?" . . . no, really.)

(all photos: fuck-if-i-remember, england, uk. this was either on the way TO oxford or on the way back to london FROM oxford. senility is hitting me early, y'all.)




(all photos: oxfordshire, england, uk. blenheim palace, birthplace of sir winston churchill.)






(all photos: london, england, uk. walk along the thames.)

(wish i could say this photo is about showing you a beautiful tree in brilliant bloom, but it's more about showing you two stupid twats in the center of my shot going around picking daffodils in the park. fucking bitches! you see with your eyes, not with your hands, damn you!)


(just keepin' it classy, y'all. keepin' it classy.)


(i loved this painting, though i can remember neither its name nor its artist's name . . . it's hanging in the tate modern, though, if you want to pop by.)

(all photos: london, england, uk. borough market . . . GET IN MY BELLY!)

STOCKHOLMSYNDROME

(all photos: june 2010, sequoia national park, ca.)

my favorite place on earth.

BUTTERFLIESANDHURRICANES

apparently, i have a thing for close-up nature photography . . . sue me.

maybe this cantankerous exterior of mine has a few cracks.

maybe not.

(all photos: august 2010, san juan capistrano, ca. sjc mission.)

SUNNYDAYSWEEPIN'THECLOUDSAWAY

(2010: anaheim, ca. the view outside my balcony. palm trees and a perfectly clear, blue sky. mmmmmmm. this is what i's talkin' 'bout, yo!)

fuck yeah!

THE SUN IS OUT.

THE SKY IS BLUE (i no longer am).

and my will to live is BACK!

you know, i'm from southern california. before socal, i was on the pacific beaches of costa rica.

i am not used to rain.

i am especially not used to SIX STRAIGHT DAYS of rain.

(or, you know, uh, tornado warnings in the next town over, long beach, which is only 15 minutes away!)

if we'd had another day of rain, i may have had to kill myself.

fortunately, the gods have smiled upon me and i live to whinge another day.

woohoo!

DEEPINSIDEOFYOU

here's a smattering of shots i like from my april 2009 trip to the uk with my mom . . .

(st. fagan's welsh life outdoor museum, cardiff, wales.)






(cardiff centre, wales.)

(why should i smile? i'm in cardiff!)

(tintern abbey, chepstow, wales.)








(all over the lake district, england.)

BEGINTHEBEGUINE

(april 2009: lake district, england. mom and i. this is one of MAYBE two pictures in which my mom actually smiled in 10 days . . . probably because i was squeezing her really hard. and you know what? if i'd known she was going to snooze and whinge most of the trip, i wouldn't have dropped a small fortune on those badass versace glasses she's sportin' just so that she could see everything more clearly and in style. fuck!)

a distant second to andre's death is reason number two as to why last year sucked . . .

but first, a little background.

for over a year leading up to april of 2009, i scratched and scrimped and saved $10,000. and rather than selfishly blowing it all on myself (believe me, there were some very cool jimmy choo and manolo blahnik shoes calling my name), i prepared a week and a half long, first rate (or at least to the best of my ability), SURPRISE, 70th birthday trip to england for my mom. her FIRST ever to europe.

though i couldn't afford business or first class plane tickets, i made sure everything else was awesome. we flew non-stop on british airways, lax to heathrow. i booked us into all of the best hotels in wales and old blighty, including several nights at the sofitel london st. james, juuuuuuust steps away from trafalgar square. in the lakes, we stayed in a suite at the linthwaite house hotel . . . i even booked two private, day-long tours in cumbria. you name it, i did it. the best restaurants, the best tours, the best hotels, the whole matzah ball.

it was supposed to be the ULTIMATE mother-daughter adventure. it was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime. it was supposed to be fucking amazing.

my mom was supposed to have the greatest time she'd ever had. my mom was supposed to applaud and adore me. my mom was supposed to give me all her pearls of wisdom.

i was supposed to show her all the sights. i was supposed to duet "begin the beguine" with my mom across the uk. i was supposed to fall in even deeper love with my mom.

instead, my mom complained the ENTIRE trip, from the moment we landed in heathrow until the moment we landed back in lax.

she hated everyone--especially me--and everything. she hated wales, she hated cardiff, she hated tintern abbey (MY second most favorite place in the universe, next to sequoia national park), she hated the lakes, she hated the food and the crowds, she hated london, she hated the tours and the weather.

and my mom NEVER hates ANYTHING! that is, until i took her to great britain.

the ONLY thing my mom liked was coming BACK home. no, wait, not true: she liked bath abbey. in fact, she LOVED bath abbey. but that was it.


(my mom in bath abbey. THE ONLY THING SHE ENJOYED. truthfully, i think that when i told her we were going to "europe", she was expecting italy, not england. or maybe spain or something. she obviously doesn't share my views on how great great britain really is. alas.)

never mind my planning!
never mind the posh hotels!
never mind that i sucked down close to 40 hours of driving, while she snored and slept in the passenger seat!
never mind that we never made it to a single restaurant i'd hand-picked for her tastes!
never mind that i paid an arm and a leg for special tours i thought she'd love!

NEVER MIND.

essentially, she thought the uk was shit and that i was even shittier for taking her there.

now, she didn't SAY that, exactly, but her face did!

you don't believe me? just take a look at the majority of the photos. in most of them, she looks like she just ate camel shit pie and washed it down with horse piss.

god, she doesn't know how lucky she is that she's the greatest mom who ever lived or else i'd have drop-kicked her into her 80s!

what's that old saying? ah, yes: "no good deed goes unpunished."

*note: pictures of my mom looking like she's having a colonoscopy are forthcoming. probably tomorrow. it's almost 11pm in california, i've had a long day and i'm still not done selecting photos . . .

ok, i'm back. here's the first batch. and just to prove my point, i'm going to start with a photo of my mom IN EL LAY (BEFORE) and one IN ENGLAND (AFTER):

(BEFORE leaving los angeles):




(AFTER arriving in england):


can you see the difference already? and that was just after landing! that's not even into our trip yet! it's like she aged an additional decade by simply breathing british air. ok, so the flight was long, but still, couldn't she muster a TINY bit of excitement?

you know what? fuck it. i can't be bothered to post more pictures of my mom looking miserable at my hands. i lived through it once already.

in my next post, i'll put up my favorite pictures of the trip and be done with it. if i'm gonna look at something, i want it to be pretty.

just trust me: it sucked.