STEPBACKFROMTHATLEDGE,MYFRIEND

thanks to sion barry, i've now received various inquiries as to why, specifically, my mom and i did not have a good trip in wales last spring.

let me clarify: we didn't have a good trip. period.

it wasn't wales, per se, it was the whole of the united kingdom.

my mom just hates great britain. end of story. i don't know why. i don't even think SHE knows why! she just does. i love it. she hates it. that's all there is to it. no rhyme. no reason. just an instant, inexplicable, visceral reaction to the place.

now, true story . . . i did have one very bad night in cardiff during that infamous trip, which has forced me to sort of loathe the place.

here's what happened . . .

my mom had fallen asleep at like 6pm because she thinks wales is shit and there was no good reason to walk about because there was nothing really good to see (her opinion, not mine). so, at around 9pm, bored nearly to the point of insanity, i dressed up and went out for a stroll, alone.

at one point during my walk, i was standing across the street from the seaside of cardiff castle on a tiny piece of bridge overlooking what i think was millennium stadium (not sure, it was very dark and close to midnight).

then, two groups of twenty-something (about 10 and 10 each), highly inebriated boys dressed in roman outfits (no, i'm serious), loudly crooning rugby songs came walking towards me.

i stayed on the bridge, looking towards the sea, not really paying them any attention.

as the first group approached, they stopped singing their rugby tunes and started singing this little diddy, "JUMP, JUMP FAT CUNT! JUMP, JUMP FAT CUNT!" (it's all the rage in underground clubs, i hear.)

yeah, i know, right?

not even i could make this kind of shit up.

i looked around to see if i could spot the fat cunt that was apparently on the verge of committing suicide, so that i could talk her out of it, but didn't see her anywhere.

look to the left. no.
look to the right. no.
behind me. no.

OHHHHHHH, wait, the fat cunt to whom the stupid cunts were referring was ME!

but before i could muster my best go-fuck-yourself look-of-death, the boys had already passed by me.

fortunately, i was to get a second chance when the second group of twats came nearer to me and, having heard the first groups of boys singing the cool, new song, likewise joined in for a chorus.

"JUMP, JUMP FAT CUNT! JUMP, JUMP FAT CUNT!"

this batch, though, was sweet enough, courteous enough to ask me if i'd like some assistance over the bridge.

i graciously declined.

yeah, you know, if there hadn't been 20 of them and just one of me, i'd have fucked some people up.

and yes, i may be fat, but 20+ years of martial arts have not gone completely to waste. and while they'd have gotten the upper hand, i, ms. banana, would have gone down in a blaze of glory.

what did i actually do, though, throughout the ordeal?

nothing.

i stood there and said nothing.

then, shaking, i hailed a cab, even though i was just down the street at the hilton, and cried.

so, yeah, suffice it to say i have a bit of a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to cardiff.

BUT . . .

for the record, i love wales. and i love the welsh, save those fuckers on the bridge that night. and i love the welsh language. and i'll keep loving wales and telling people about all of the great times i've had there. because it's true. the good times i've had in wales far outweigh the bad . . . and what more can you ask?

cymru am byth and all that jazz.