Friday, January 25, 2008
i'm a fucking asshole.
yeah, you know, i am.
but, there is one redeeming quality about me even though i'm an asshole. it's that i can say that i'm an asshole. more than that, when i've been an asshole, i say so and i apologize.
i fucked up this week. big time.
i hurt the feelings of someone who means the world to me, is the world to me, and i don't know if we can recover.
i feel sick. i feel sick that i hurt them and insulted them. beyond that, i feel sick that i didn't BELIEVE IN THEM. and if i have learned anything thus far in life, it's that you should always believe in the people you love. no matter what.
here's this amazing person who loves me, makes me ache with laughter, makes me deliriously happy, encourages me, and gives wholly and selflessly of themselves to me and what do i do at the first test of my own love for them? i cast them away. i judge them. i don't believe in them.
i'm peter. no, worse . . . i am judas.
god, i am a total, fucking, comprehensive, and unmitigated asshole.
i feel stupid and small in my own insecurities, my own doubts, my own frailties, my own humanity.
i feel embarrassed. i feel ashamed. and i am sorry.
i've apologized. i've apologized about a million ways from sunday. and i'd keep apologizing, but i don't know if it's enough.
is my sorry enough? will they ever forgive me? will we ever be whole again?
i'm such an idiot. i fear i've lost this person forever and the thought of that makes me want to die.
if it's you reading this: i love you. i was a fool. i am a fool. please forgive me. i won't ever hurt you again. i promise you that i'll always believe in you and never, ever doubt you again.