FALLINGAWAYWITHYOU

SOOOOOOO . . . here are a few of my pictures from spring break, april 2010, in england and scotland.

late, yes, but suck it.

not a whole lot to say about my trip, other than it reaffirmed my love of all things united kingdom . . . and that i want to live there forever and ever and ever and EVER.

this time, no-one called me a "fat cunt" and prompted me to jump off of a bridge.

PROBABLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO WALES!

j/k.

i love my welsh peeps.

i had an incredible time--one i won't soon forget. wish i could do justice to all the beauty i saw, but alas, i have a shit camera.

basically, take my word for it and visit. and even if you've already gone, go back!

it's THAT wonderful.

lovely place. lovely people.

go.

NOW!

(all photos: edinburgh, scotland, uk. such a GORGEOUS place, edinburgh. more gorgeous, i think, than london. too bad the weather was utter shite and i couldn't take more or better photos. seriously fucking cool place. as if i wasn't already in love with the uk!)

(you just have to LOOOOOOOVE a people whose motto is: NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT. in latin: no-one injures me with impunity. or as i like to put it: nobody fucks with me and gets away with it, beeeeeeeyotch!)



(below: somewhere near auchterarder, scotland, uk.)

(so, i know you're tempted to say, "lana! OMG, you dyed your hair red, girl!" but actually, this isn't me, it's an aberdeen angus . . . AND I LOOOOOOOVE THEM! i named this one molly. they come in black, too! a bit like chewbacca made love with a cow.)


(THIS is me--though NOT in the uk. but it's me. and it's me from an angle that doesn't make me look fat. it IS possible. i call it the "facebook angle". you ever notice that almost all facebook photos are from THIS angle? it's because it makes people look thinner. like me. if you saw me in real life, you'd wonder, "who is the person in THIS picture?" . . . no, really.)

(all photos: fuck-if-i-remember, england, uk. this was either on the way TO oxford or on the way back to london FROM oxford. senility is hitting me early, y'all.)




(all photos: oxfordshire, england, uk. blenheim palace, birthplace of sir winston churchill.)






(all photos: london, england, uk. walk along the thames.)

(wish i could say this photo is about showing you a beautiful tree in brilliant bloom, but it's more about showing you two stupid twats in the center of my shot going around picking daffodils in the park. fucking bitches! you see with your eyes, not with your hands, damn you!)


(just keepin' it classy, y'all. keepin' it classy.)


(i loved this painting, though i can remember neither its name nor its artist's name . . . it's hanging in the tate modern, though, if you want to pop by.)

(all photos: london, england, uk. borough market . . . GET IN MY BELLY!)

SHE'SMYCHERRYPIE

the bitches' cooking club met last night.

yes, i agree, i probably shouldn't be part of a group that meets expressly for the purposes of getting drunk and stuffing their collective face.

but it's only once a month, so i think i'm safe.

(uh huh, this is what addicts tell themselves, too. i know)

anyhow, it was delicious, loud, rude and funny.

fifteen women and more university degrees than you can shake a stick at, but no outside observer would ever have guessed we're a supremely gifted group given the topics we covered:

1) why bacon makes everything better. possibly even sex. (maybe THAT'S my problem. i clearly don't eat enough pork.)

2) how robert redford is still worth fucking, even though the skin on his face looks like shoe leather.

3) a lengthy discussion on heidi montag's new plastic surgery . . . the consensus was that plastic surgery is cool if A) you do it for YOURSELF and B) you're aware it won't make up for your lack of active synapses . . . no matter how big the implants.

4) 80s movies really are THE BEST.

5a) REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLLY nice furniture makes up for not having a steady, solid, solvent, sane, sensitive, secure, sweet boyfriend ANY DAY.

5b) we all wish we liked pussy as much as cock because then we could be lesbians and generally avoid dealing with the opposite sex.

and last, but not least, we need a new name.

"cooking club chicks", we all agreed, sucks.

so, if you have any suggestions, we'd love to hear 'em.

I'MASHADOWBOXER,BABY

(some chick who, allegedly, lost a bunch of weight eating tacos at taco bell. riiiiiiight. and i'm fat 'cause i DON'T eat tacos at taco bell. yeah, that's it.)

so, i live in bullshit town, usa. also known as: los angeles. having lived here since i emigrated to the united states with my family in 1984, i've become pretty adept at spotting the bullshit.

most recently, i caught this on my radar:



yes, y'all, you read that right. it's the TACO BELL DRIVE-THRU DIET!

holy shit. are you fucking kidding me?

you mean i've been eating spinach and 3oz. portions of fish all this time when i could've been at the taco bell drive-thru?

wait 'til santa hears about this! he's been trying to lose his gut to no avail for years. surely this will work, right? i mean, it says so right in the commercial!

"7 items under 9 grams of fat!"

wow, really? one item for each day of the week! plus, ONLY 9 OR SO GRAMS OF FAT FOR A SINGLE ITEM!

not to mention . . . it's FAST! it's CHEAP! it's EASY! and, gasp, it's TASTY!

so what if nutritionists recommend eating less that 30 grams of fat or less per day for weight loss? go ahead, snarf down three, small, pathetic tacos a day 'cause they're only 9 grams of less of fat each! so what if you'll still feel hungry afterwards and won't be learning any healthy eating habits?

it's fast! it's cheap! it's easy! and, it's "tasty"!

maybe the tooth fairy and the easter bunny will want to join santa and i for dinner . . .

BREAKMEOFFAPIECEOFYOURLOVE

note to self: YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT. gratuitous cheese parties are NOT a good idea.

oh god, i think i'm going to die . . .

i'm too young to die!

EVERYONELOVESJESUSONJUDGMENTDAY

i wanted to give the new fondue pots a whirl with some friends this weekend, so i went to my favorite grocery store in the universe: bristol farms.

now, i don't normally shop at bristol farms because A) i feel like i have to dress up to go there and B) it's fucking expensive. but this trip was necessary as they have THE MOST AMAZING cheese section ever.

(wow, i just realized, but i love to use hyperbole more than anyone else on the planet!)

anyhow, i had finished picking up my gruyere and emmental, and was about to select a nice sharp white vermont cheddar, when the cheesemonger asked me if i needed some help . . .

i didn't really need any help (no wisecracks, ok?), but i wanted to make her feel useful, so i asked her what she thought about mixing the vermont cheddar with an irish dubliner . . .

tossing her head back and cackling, the cunt says, "the cheese's nationality doesn't matter. you can mix an american cheese with an irish one, no problem. you want to focus on flavors, and DUMBLINGER with cheddar should be fine."

well, no shit the cheeses' "nationalities" don't matter! i was asking whether or not the cheddar's sharp tang would mix well with the DUBLINER'S nuttiness, snobby bitch . . .

"dumblinger."

i tell you, it's a wonder i haven't already killed someone.

ASAILBOATINTHEMOONLIGHTANDYOU. . .

because i'm never going to get married, i make fake wedding registries, complete with fake grooms (george clooney, brad pitt, james mcavoy, and elvis presley, even though he's dead, are perennial favorites) and fake wedding dates (i alternate between winter and summer. i can't ever decide).

and not just any old fake registries, i make them at all the best places . . . you know, just for shits and giggles.

well, last week, i got a letter from one of the companies at the top of my list: williams-sonoma . . .

"Dear Lana Banana:

Thank you for registering with Williams-Sonoma, and making us a part of your home.

As a special gift, we invite you to receive a 10% discount on the purchase of any items remaining on your registry--as well as any items you choose to add. This offer applies to unlimited in-store and telephone purchases you make for six months after your event date, as well as any one-time online purchases for a year after your event.

Please use the enclosed Completion Discount Card to receive your discount at any Williams-Sonoma store.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

Congratulations, and we look forward to serving you again soon!

Sincerely,

Williams-Sonoma
Wedding & Gift Registry"

so, for years i've put off buying all-clad's 3QT fondue pot with ceramic insert . . . but today, i marched into williams-sonoma with my 10% discount card and bought not one but TWO pots (i have a big family and lots of friends who like cheese)!!!

gruyere heaven here i come!

and when the sales girl asked me how my july 20, 2008, wedding went, i told her that the groom stood me up at the altar and that that's why i had no ring and then i sort of fake cried . . .

ah, good times.

SALLYINTHEROSES,WHATSHEKNOWSISSUCHEMOTIONALLOVE

one word: PINKBERRY.

and no, you pigs, it's not what you think.

pinkberry, friends, is THE most delicious frozen yogurty-type thing IN THE UNIVERSE (and i would know because i've been all over the universe . . . in my head).

seriously, i thought golden spoon was good, but pinkberry PWNS golden spoon.

now, it's more calories than golden spoon, but fuck it! pinkberry is 1,000 times better than golden spoon and may even rival my all-time favorite, baskin-robbins.

(or not, but it's close. i mean, ROCKY ROAD is THE best ice cream that EVER was.)

on monday i had: original with coconut, pineapple, and banana. it was orgasm in a bowl.

on tuesday i had: original with strawberries, banana, and captain crunch cereal. this combo, IF it's possible, was even better than the last. it was multiple orgasms in a bowl.

tonight is wednesday and i don't know what i'm going to have, yet, but i'm almost worried that i won't be able to walk after today's bowl of pinkberry . . .

but seriously, now it's time for the pinkberry song (or rather, the pinkberry remix, yo, courtesy lady tigra!). sing it with me, people:

"sorry ice cream, i'm dreaming of a different dessert
pinkberry shaved ice and frozen yogurt
it doesn't feel like i'm cheating when i'm eating it
'cuz it's healthy; i feel better already

tart and sweet, fresh and airy
blue and black, straw and raspberry
succulent mango, tangy kiwi, or pineapple
(mmm)
topping of swirly and fluffy
exquisite dream
sorry ice cream

i'm on my way to pinkberry (pinkberry, pinkberry, yum)
sorry ice cream, i'm on my way to

P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry

i wonder should get it plain or green tea?
doesn't matter to me
don't care how long i have to wait
i like it in the rain (i like it in the rain)
or in the wintertime

like a burst of sunshine
good for my body
good for my mouth
good for my mind
good with the family
good with a friend
with a lover or alone

it's an obsession
pure and delightful
simple and heavenly
(mmm)
and guilt free
yummy (yummy)!
pinkberry

(x2):

pinkberry in me
pinkberry
pinkberry in me
pinkberry
pinkberry in me
pinkberry
pinkberry in me
pinkberry

(P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry)
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry
P-I-N-K-B-E-R-R-Y
pinkberry

(laughter)"

WELL,HALF-WAYTHROUGHMYLIFEIFLIPPEDONINTERNALBITCH

my best friend, vic, is turning 26 on the 23rd of this month . . . i have no clue as to what to get her. here's our conversation from today (more or less):

me: yo, your b-day is coming up. whatchu want, girl?

vic: surprise me. i am in denial about turning 26.

i only want things i can't have, such is life.

how are you?

me: JESUS CHRIST, are you going to be 26? fucking ay, i thought you were turning like 22 or something.

i'm a'ight. you know, insane as ever. things will be calming down soon.

but seriously . . . dinner and whatnot are a given, but i want to give you something special and seeing that my virginity is gone . . .

I'MGONNASETTLEDOWNANDNEVERMOREROAMANDMAKETHESANFERNANDOVALLEYMYHOME

it's bleeding now . . . my ear, that is.

yeah, fun.

actually, not to sound like a broken record or anything, but this vicodin stuff . . . yowza! nice. very nice. i don't feel a darn thing.

(and no, i'm not going to turn into an addict. sheesh!)

anyhow, i thought i'd post a little something before i pass out.

i want to talk to you about ice cream.

and how sad i am that today the inventor of rocky road, THE GREATEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR THAT EVER WAS, died.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"LOS ANGELES: The man who helped build the 31-flavor craze at ice cream store Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90.

Irvine Robbins died Monday at his home in Rancho Mirage, Calif. home. Daughter Marsha Veit says he had been in ill for some time.

Generations of kids trooped to Baskin-Robbins stores to buy ice cream flavors like Pralines ’n Cream, Daiquiri Ice and Pink Bubblegum.

Robbins opened his first ice cream store in Glendale, Calif., in December 1945, following his discharge from the Army.

Robbins offered 21 flavors at that store. His brother-in-law, the late Burton Baskin, opened his own ice cream store in neighboring Pasadena a year later. The two eventually joined forces."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i grew up in the san fernando valley. bing crosby sang about it . . . it's my home . . . burbank, hollywood, the movie studios, the walk of fame . . . and baskin-robbins. i even used to go to the original glendale shop (or at least i think it was the orginal shop . . .) and have rocky road with my dad every saturday (he would have two scoops of something different every time; my dad was a wild man).

i never met mr. baskin or mr. robbins, but i sure loved their rocky road ice cream.

rocky road ice cream is THE best ice cream ever invented. period. it's the dog's bollocks and don't even try to dissuade me 'cause it ain't gonna work.

mmm, those plump pillowy puffs of heavenly marshmallowy goodness, together with the nutty crunchiness of titillating toasted almonds, surrounded by the cool creamy meltiness of the chocolatey chocolate . . . sweet baby jesus, that is good!

and i don't even like sweets. i am more of a savory girl myself, but i can never say no to rocky road. so, if you ever want me to say yes to something, just hide it, couch it, or somehow accompany it, whatever "it" may be, in or with a vat of rocky road ice cream. word.

but seriously, thank you mr. robbins . . . thank you.

WHENI'M64. . .

my good friend and colleague, blu, turned 28 TODAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, darlin'!

her yearbook staff, my news staff, and i threw her a little surprise party in my (brand spanking NEW!) classroom this afternoon. i don't think she was very surprised since i apparently wasn't an especially good liar . . . still, she seemed excited and grateful . . .

the pictures below are PART I of the blu bedazzling and bewildering birthday bonanza bash!

(all photos 2008: whittier, ca.)

(my classroom isn't finished yet and i felt it wasn't fit for a party, but blu has a VERY convincing yearbook editor . . . besides, it wasn't anything that a few streamers and balloons couldn't overcome . . .)


(mmm . . . pizza, cake, cookies, soda . . . glad those kids weren't in MY class for 6th period!)




(i'm such a FABULOUS artist, huh? nevermind, don't answer that . . .)


(pretty, right? i hope she liked them. i got this arrangement because it had my favorite flower in it: the daisy!)


(what you can't see or hear, thankfully, is the ridiculously obnoxious musical card i got her that played "shake your groove thing" on loop . . .)


(guess the pizza's good.)


(and the cookies too, apparently!)


(any more candles and the fire alarm would've gone off . . . (just kidding, blu!))


(it's a wonder she had enough breath with which to blow ALL THOSE CANDLES out . . . (still kidding))


(add "good cake" to the list . . .)

PART DEUX:

(nothing says "WE LOVE YOU" more than getting your car covered in post-its and plastic wrap. the note from blu's editor-in-chief says: don't kill us for this . . .)


(this is my editor-in-chief. blu had her for an SAT prep class last year (the SAT or the scholastic aptitude test, which, for my overseas friends who aren't savvy about america's educational system, is a high stakes test that supposedly helps colleges determine who's in and who ain't). here my editor is thanking blu for helping her achieve a high score on the exam. but frankly, if this is thanks, then, no thanks . . .)


(hard to believe, but blu's a re . . . re . . . rep . . . hold on, i have a little bit of vomit in my mouth . . . a republican . . .)


(so, here were some subtle hints as to whom she should vote for come november . . . note says: hillary 4 prez!)


(note reads: obama! now, i didn't write this one, but i think whoever wrote it is a brilliant, attractive, genuine, kind, caring, intelligent, witty, honest, sincere, down-to-earth, heck of a person!)


(and when all else fails: mr. bean.)


(note reads: scintilating school marm. SHOULD read: scintillating schoolmarm . . .)


("be who you are and say what you feel, 'cause those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind.")


("march confidently in the direction of your dreams.")


(hell devils.)


(queen hell devil.)


(note reads: titilating . . . ahem, titilLating . . . temptress.)


(REAL life skills . . .)




(mwaaah aaah aaah aaah!)






(the pièce de résistance!)


(and now we wait . . .)


(and wait . . .)


(and, no joke, FORTY minutes later . . .)


(wait, MORE waiting . . .)


(FINALLY!)


(guess blu found the "obama!" sticker . . .)










(the game IS ON, blu! bring on journalism camp!)