Monday, February 21, 2011

KNIGHTSOFCYDONIA


(what? and miss my chance to poke fun at religion?)

i've decided to try my hand at crusading . . . you know, minus the sword, the armor, the knights in white satin, the catholic guilt, the bloodshed and the trips to the middle east.

here's the challenge: in 300 words or less, i'm supposed to tell you . . .

one secret
one lie
one interesting quirk
one annoying habit
one of my best character traits, and
one of my favorite things in the whole world

what follows here encompasses all of the requisites above, but in no particular order. it is not an entirely original piece--as i have written about this story before--but rather a summary of a previous experience, which neatly fits the bill, methinks:

when my niece and nephew were little, they asked their parents for a pet. initially, they requested a fuliguline companion, but their pool was too small. next, they petitioned for a rabbit, bloviating and extolling the virtues of hares, but all to no avail. in the end, they got a hamster.

coco was a delightful hamster. petite, loyal, slow to anger, quick to laugh, clever with a blade-like wit, capacious cheeks and long, pearly white teeth, she--like all nocturnal creatures (and mobsters)--became active at night.

since i often babysat and am a notoriously light sleeper, in the evenings we’d necessarily move coco from the guest bedroom to the adjoining bathroom. coco, being the ever-gracious hostess, slept in the loo with nary an objection.

one morning, i awoke at the unholy hour of 3am for my usual early morning tinkle. with no lights or wits about me, i rolled from the toasty cosiness of my bed to the icily tenebrous bathroom. in complete darkness, i sat down on the toilet, and as my eyes adjusted to the stygian blackness, i strained to see little coco in her cage. but she was nowhere in sight.

calmly, i looked about, pondering coco’s whereabouts.

but as i reached for some tissue, a sudden dread enveloped me. i'd checked everywhere for coco. that is, everywhere save the toilet on which i was sitting.

absurd! she couldn't have. could she? how could she even get in there?

using my kegels, i stopped midstream and listened. then came the most horrifying, indeed, the most sickening sound i could have possibly heard at that moment . . .

splish . . . splash . . . splish . . . splash . . .

IT WAS COCO!

and i had just given her a golden shower.


can you figure out what's what?

ANSWERS THIS COMING FRIDAY.

20 comments:

J.L. Campbell said...

Hey, Lana,

Funny post! Either your niece and nephew didn't ask for the fuliguline or coco didn't go for an early morning swim in the toilet. Not sure which is the whopper I want to settle on though.

Angela Scott said...

Very Nice. Well played. Having children and owning hamsters, those little pests are tricky (always getting out of their cages). But I really don't think you peed on the hamster. Or least I hope not (though it is possible).

Nice to meet you crusder. I love how you do the date--very creative.

Lana Banana said...

jlc/angela: nice to meet you both! thanks so much for stopping by!

all will be revealed in due time . . .

Ann said...

Hi Lana, Nice to meet you. Your story gave me a chuckle. I must agree with the others. I don't think Coco was subjected to the golden shower.

Lana Banana said...

ann: hey, don't knock it 'til you try it . . .

but seriously, great meeting you, too!

thingy said...

LOL. The lie? Coco was not delightful.

Gary Baker said...

The hamster would need a ladder, or perhaps some kind of grappling iron to climb a toilet bowl. And, as there was no mention of Coco's allowance - she'd need money to purchase these items obviously - I too am going for the golden shower .. err .. as the lie.

Kal said...

If that is the lie then it's a wicked piece of creative writting. If it's the secret then it's even better. Don't worry kids, your hammy is fine. Just rinse him off and pat dry. A little pee never killed anyone.

Lana Banana said...

gary/kal: can i adopt you two? gahd, you guys are funny.

friday's gonna be great.

and yes, kal, a little pee never, EVER hurt anyone.

Lana Banana said...

thingy: welcome! as for coco, we shall see . . . we shall see . . .

CherylAnne Ham said...

That story was so funny that I choose to believe every word. LOL :)

Michelle Merrill said...

Can hamster's swim? I'm guessing it didn't get into the toilet...but I've heard of stranger things :) Nice to meet you!

Kal said...

I have been thinking of the physics of this story all day. I have to call 'shenanigans'. I suspect she just took this poor creature out of it's warm shavings and just peed all over him. In that middle of that 'operation' ('Operation Lana Leaking') she was caught and dropped the poor rodent in the toilet. Then like the Grinch she 'was so sly and so slick, that she thought up a lie and thought it up quick.'.

I do think it's a great story and I do loves me someone who can weive a tale - even a bullshit one.

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

First -- love the giant banana!! Your crusade challenge entry was wonderful. So descriptive! I'd guess the lie was the hamster wasn't actually in the potty...

Thanks for the follow, and I look forward to crusading together!

projectfraeya said...

I don't think they asked for a duck first.
Hello to a fellow crusader :)

Lana Banana said...

cheryl: wise, wise, WISE woman, you.

michelle: sure they can swim! or can they? i don't know. we'll all find out on friday!

kal: oh ye of little faith. all shall be revealed--and then we'll see who was bullshitting whom.

nicole: who DOESN'T love a big banana, hmmm? looking forward to blogging together, definitely! thanks so much for popping in!

project: well, ahoy matey!

LadyJai said...

Hello fellow crusader! I am a tad bit late, the whole house has been sick all week. So, I just thought I would pop in and just say Hi! :D

Mary Mary said...

I'm saying the fib is that the hamster's name wasn't really Coco? Good entry in the challenge! Good luck!

Elizabeth Mueller said...

Naughty comic! I love your blog, it's so cute! Great to know you better. I'm clueless as to what's what... *sigh*

♥.•*¨ Elizabeth ¨*•.♥

Lisa Potts said...

I love the story and wish all of it were true. Urine is sterile after all. But if I had to guess a lie, it would be the time you stumbled into the bathroom.