Wednesday, February 16, 2011


i teach kids.

well, more often than not, they teach ME, but this aside . . . i teach kids.

i don't want to HAVE kids. you know, as in, birth them and bring them up.

that's right, i said it: i am 33 and i don't want to have kids.

forever, you ask?


more than likely. (if anything, i might adopt older children.)

and NO, i'm not infertile. NO, my parent's didn't beat me. NO, i wasn't molested or otherwise sexually assaulted . . . EVER. NO, i wasn't bullied as a child.

i am FINE.

i just don't want to have kids.

is this so hard to believe?

yesterday, someone--a person whom i love and who knows me well--got into a conversation about this with me. as teachers, we had a lengthy discussion about parenting (the good, the bad and the ugly) . . . which ended with our own feelings about procreating.

she--a beautiful, solvent and intelligent (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially) woman in her early 30s--declared she is all but itching for children of her own.

i said i could pass. that if the planets aligned just right, then maaaaaaaybe, but that, as above, more than likely not.

this is what i got: "how can a TEACHER not want babies? i just don't get how someone who obviously loves children so much cannot want some of her own."

on and on and on . . .

it doesn't end there.

seems like every person i tell--man or woman--about my NON-desire is bowled over.

if i told people i enjoyed drowning puppies in my spare time, i could NOT get more damning looks.

a while back, i fell for an amazing man. i said to myself, "self, this is THE one."

amongst other things--and i'll be the first to admit that there were, indeed, OTHER THINGS--the relationship ended because, as he put it, "ONE DAAAAAAAY, lana, you'll change your mind. you'll want kids." he didn't want more children (he already had two from a previous marriage), but was 100% certain i WOULD.


i mean, fucking REALLY???

can i have tomorrow's lottery numbers while you're at your crystal ball, you fucking prick (note: he's not REALLY a prick, i'm just riled)?!

this is such complete, utter poppycock!

i guess i'm just stupid because i don't get it. i just don't get it. why is it perfectly fine for a man to say he doesn't want children, but sacrilegious for a woman to claim the same?

that's not a rhetorical question.

i'm serious.

any takers?


powdergirl said...

Well, Ms Banana, I can't answer your question because I don't get the attitude either either. Especially as someone who already has kids, I can rally understand why you don't want them. There's tons of them already available for adoption if you do change your mind.
Beside, and I say this all the time, the world's not a fit place for children.

Welcome back, I missed your rapier like wit!

Hogdayafternoon said...

Lana: You are not out of sync. You make excellent observations. I have a son and daughter; love them dearly; love their kids; don't love their mother; love my wife, (we have none of our own) who loves my kids (they're 34 and 30 - `kids`??? what am I saying?). I'm suspicious of parents ;) I am totally with PG, above, on this one (including the wit bit).

Anonymous said...

As a fellow "I don't want kids" person I salute you.


PS Only the English should use the word poppycock. You yanks can borrow most of the rest of our langauge but we reserve poppycock and balderdash for our exclusive use.....oh yes spiffing as well

Sion Barry said...

My observation is that there is no way this chap ended the relationship on the belief that you would one day change your mind about a baby.

No way... that is just a cover for something else.

The man who cannot change his mind is a man who cannot change.

Lana Banana said...

pg/hog: thank you--missed you guys, too!

listen, let me clarify: i don't want children because i just don't. it's not because i think they're a pain in the ass or because the world is shit.

i actually think the world's pretty awesome when people aren't trying to actively fuck it up.

and i ACTUALLY think kids are wonderful, luminous balls of laughter, potential and goodness.

i JUST don't want any.

i'd much rather borrow yours (except you, hog. yours are a wee bit too old to bounce on my knee, i'm afraid) . . .

duncan: duncan? THE duncan?

(i must take a look at my email list . . . 'cause i know this isn't serendipity . . .)

salutations, indeed!

PS: "spiffy". you really want to go toe-to-toe over "spiffy"? "poppycock" . . . sure. but "spiffy"?

but seriously, hope all's well (especially with your new "interest")!


laughs . . . hard.

no shit.

he just wasn't that into me.

let's be honest. there was a load of other shit besides with which there were problems, but i'm of the belief that anything can be overcome if two people really love and want each other.

fact is, he wasn't in love with me. plain. simple.

what pisses me off is that he said that to me, at all.

might i change my mind? of course that IS a possiblity. might i NOT change my mind about children. also a very, very, VERY likely possibility.

now i'm off to refill my birth control prescription!


powdergirl said...

hah, I can hardly wait to tell my 6'4" 220 lb 15 year old that Lana Banana is gonna bounce him on her knee.
I'll us it as a threat when the cattle prod fails! Awesome!
Yeah, I hear, back before I had kids, I didn't want kids, but not for any particular reason.

I'll ship mine to you post haste, you're gonna love em'!

Lana Banana said...

pg: he's ONLY 15?!?! what the hell are you feeding that boy?!

cattle prod, you say? now THAT has a lot of potential . . .

Holly Vance said...

Do you get the "but you'll be a such a good mother!"? I do. Constantly. Oh, and the "you know, you are getting older . . ." like I better pop one out now and get it over with.

Lana Banana said...

my latino, english language learner students always 1) tilt their heads sideways and 2) say, "baht miiiiiiis, when jew gone hab bebees? iz gedding leht."

so, uh, yes, i get that shit ALL THE TIME.