because i'm never going to get married, i make fake wedding registries, complete with fake grooms (george clooney, brad pitt, james mcavoy, and elvis presley, even though he's dead, are perennial favorites) and fake wedding dates (i alternate between winter and summer. i can't ever decide).
and not just any old fake registries, i make them at all the best places . . . you know, just for shits and giggles.
well, last week, i got a letter from one of the companies at the top of my list: williams-sonoma . . .
"Dear Lana Banana:
Thank you for registering with Williams-Sonoma, and making us a part of your home.
As a special gift, we invite you to receive a 10% discount on the purchase of any items remaining on your registry--as well as any items you choose to add. This offer applies to unlimited in-store and telephone purchases you make for six months after your event date, as well as any one-time online purchases for a year after your event.
Please use the enclosed Completion Discount Card to receive your discount at any Williams-Sonoma store.
Blah, blah, blah . . .
Congratulations, and we look forward to serving you again soon!
Sincerely,
Williams-Sonoma
Wedding & Gift Registry"
so, for years i've put off buying all-clad's 3QT fondue pot with ceramic insert . . . but today, i marched into williams-sonoma with my 10% discount card and bought not one but TWO pots (i have a big family and lots of friends who like cheese)!!!
gruyere heaven here i come!
and when the sales girl asked me how my july 20, 2008, wedding went, i told her that the groom stood me up at the altar and that that's why i had no ring and then i sort of fake cried . . .
ah, good times.
4 comments:
I would try to explain how tragic that it is - but I have done similar things in the past. I once crashed a wedding party and persuaded guests that the bride and I used to be an item and she broke my heart by marrying this guy. It was usually good for a few sympathy drinks.
I don't do it any more.
mr. c, dahling, by "any more" do you mean "not in the last 24 hours"?
and for the record, i had NO IDEA that companies give out discounts to sad little married people whose wedding registry dreams don't get fulfilled. i just wanted a cool place to store the lists of stuff i someday want to purchase . . .
but fuck it, married or not, i'll take the coupon. the bit at the end was just icing. i mean, since i never became an award-winning broadway actress, that was the next best thing . . .
yeah, yeah, "seek clinical help." i've heard it all before . . .
I hope you get to use it more than once in the next few decades - unlike my parents one.
if it weren't for the heart-attack risk or the way it has the potential to decrease my personal aesthetic value, i'd fondue every day . . .
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