Thursday, August 14, 2008

TONIGHT'STHENIGHT,IT'SGONNABEALRIGHT. . .


athletes like to fuck.

but OLYMPIC athletes like to fuck A LOT.

i know, I KNOW . . . i just shattered your world with that bit of revelation, right?

yeah, me neither.

see, i read an article today that the chinese ordered 100K condoms for 10,500 athletes.

(crickets chirp)

AND???

right???

seriously, i don't get what the big deal is. i mean, i'm having a hard time believing that a story got written about this . . .

that comes down to roughly 9.5 condoms per person. (for the record: hope i'm never on the receiving end of that half condom . . . i'm just saying . . .)

big fucking whoop. TEN CONDOMS PER PERSON?

how long are the olympics? anywhere from 10 to 20 days or something like that?

people, that's ONLY enough condoms for MAYBE a once-daily shag!!!

HARDLY "olympic".

well, UNLESS . . .

nah, i won't say it. as it is, my mouth has kept me from finding a suitable life partner for the past 30 years. buuuuut, i know you know what i was about to say, you dirty bastards.

anyhow, the way i understand it, SOME PEOPLE out there think that 10 condoms per person for a 10-20 day period is a lot. "they", i am guessing, are married, old, and republican.

whatever . . .

here are my favorite snippets from the article on fox sports (you can thank me later for saving you from having to read the entire thing):

-"Sex may not be an Olympic sport, but that won't stop athletes of all disciplines from going for the gold."

-"Love is in the air throughout the Olympic Village, from archers who have more than one bull's eye in their sights to equestrian riders who have been known to go sans saddle."

-"According to AskMen.com, "Scientific studies have found that having sex actually increases testosterone levels." In other words, sex can be like a power bar."

-"Sexual intercourse, according to scientific research, can expend up to 50 calories — if done with appropriate levels of vigor and enthusiasm. Michael Phelps, who is on a 10,000-calorie-a-day diet, would have to practice a lot more than the breaststroke to burn off that many calories away from the pool."

bada bing!

8 comments:

Cassy said...

The visuals I got while reading this post... the best.

hey I'm subscribing to you girl! - I'm psyched - love the way you say things - ballsy and way too cool.
Subscr to me too, pleez!

De Campo BC said...

I just don’t understand why the Today Show doesn’t touch upon this right of Olympic passage. I for one think the sexual exploits of our athletes warrants a bar graph ala who’s leading in the medal count.

Love it and thanks for your comments!

Lana Banana said...

cassy: my favorite's the bit about equestrian riders going sans saddle. mostly because i like the use of french words in english . . .

bah! who am i kidding? i like it because i'm a perv.

Lana Banana said...

mr. de campo, sir: i agree. (starts chanting, "bar graphs! bar graphs!")

though, i fear we'd come (no pun intended) in dead last . . .

meanwhile, places like russia, where there's nothing better to do than drink vodka and fuck, would win gold for certain.

and the french? they've built up an entire country on fucking and being fucky (i mean, they burn anything and everything they don't like or disagree with!).

however, it might give india a chance to win a gold medal in something other than hockey . . .

The Wandering Gentile said...

Wait a minute, the proportion of half-condoms should be adequate for competitors of Celtic or Anglo-Saxon ancestry...provided they're small enough in circumference.

I speak for only one person of either Celtic or Anglo-Saxon descent. That would be myself.

Gil.

indust said...

Could you ever see America doing this? The Chinese and other countries seem to understand people's needs more. But a male athlete should abstain while in training and competition and then the reward is the fuck afterwards.

Lana Banana said...

indust: of course i could see the us handing out condoms to athletes free of charge. you don't think we would? really? hmm, give us a little credit . . .

as for sex having an adverse effect on an athlete's performance (male OR female), it's a myth.

research has shown that sex before a competition has no measurable physiological effects. now, doctors have found that from person to person, sex affects individuals in a variety of PSYCHOLOGICAL ways (good and bad) and to varying degrees.

from personal experience, that makes sense to me. great sex=VERY happy lana. bad sex=VERY unhappy lana.

here's the article, if you want to read it (sorry it's a giant, pasted link, but i had to do it this way or else you wouldn't be able to check it out. gotta copy the whole shabang): http://209.85.141.104/search?q=cache:N0BwlE_hwkYJ:www.cjsportmed.com/pt/re/cjsm/fulltext.00042752-200010000-00001.htm%3Bjsessionid%3DLqMGNnyj1M2gczspwpzGFlYSbGj222gXF9RbLNH73hNvpp2Tw2nM!851130288!181195628!8091!-1+sex+sport+treadmill+performance+effects+affects&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=3&gl=us

there are some other people, though, who believe that there is no such thing as "bad" sex. (stop me if you've heard this before . . .) these individuals posit that sex is like pizza. in other words, there is no "bad" sex, just different levels of "goodness".

uh, i don't know about that . . .

indust said...

You are probably right about that. There are different degrees of what you can get out of it. There could be a spiritual element or it may be simply as a relief. Yea, there are alot of superstitions when it comes to it. It is a decision of course between two people.