while we're on the subject of THINGS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO LANA BANANA, let's talk about weddings . . .
and bridal diapers!
you heard me.
BRIDAL D I A P E R S.
that's right, ladies, if you ever find yourself under 700 pounds of unweildy tulle, crinoline and silk on your wedding day with a dire need for the loo, then look no further than your own underpants!
'cause who needs a toilet when you've got BRIDAL DIAPERS?!
after all, they're not just for infants and seniors anymore!
("it's like a g-string, honey, but not, if you see what i mean.")
now when you say, "I DO!" . . . you can also say, "I DOO DOO!" . . . or, "I POO! . . . and/or, "I PEE!"
i'm here all week folks . . .
15 comments:
Like you I have been a teacher and I know those thoughts that go through your mind when you are having a good day. Then I have a crappy day and am overjoyed that I can turn the little animals back to the ones that birthed them when the bell rings at 3:30.
I have enough trouble finding a woman to like me let alone finding one to have children with. I have resolved myself to the fact that no one will love me that much.
I also know how stressful raising children is and I just don't need another thing to fail at - especially something that important.
Not my destiny. I am meant to die alone in some nursing home while eating my Yankee Bean soup from the can.
Care to join me? Those big cans can feed two.
got an extra spoon?
For you? Always. But it's Chunky soup. So chunky that you can eat it with a fork.
oooooooh . . . well, i'm chunky. can you eat me with a fork, kal?
Somedays you are too quick for me. Bet you got all that sugary cereal into your system today.
i've got a high fructose syrup IV drip . . . drip . . . drip . . . drip . . .
Keep that demon juice away from me. My blood already has the concistency of root beer. I will try not to break the skin when giving you a hickey either...too rich for my system.
is that where we are? the "hickey" stage?
men! they buy you a can of soup and think they can just have their way with you!
can i at least have a glass of rioja with my soup before you start marking territory?!
It's all a dance, it's a negotiation. You start with what you think you can't get and you negotiate down. But let's be honest, that was some pretty good soup. I usually start with 'Cup O Soup' so please see my respect and admiration for you that I thought was clear when I brought out my electric can opener. See what happens when I bring 'class' into a relationship. You just can't spoil a woman these days. It's all bachelor this and bachelor that.
oh shit, did you say, "electric can opener"?
fuck. i don't know how i could've missed that!
mmmmmmm . . . electric can opener . . .
SWOON.
take me! i'm yours!
Well let me enhance the mood by letting you in on a little secret. I also have INDOOR plumbing.
MARRY ME!
Since you are the first one to ask, okay. But I have one question for you and this is a dealbreaker - do you make a good grilled cheese sammich?
do i make a good grilled cheese?
do *I* make a good grilled cheese?!
do *I* make a GOOD grilled cheese?!?!
well, what kinda-helluva question is THAT?!?!
OF COURSE i make a good grilled cheese!
have you seen these cheeks (on my face)?!?!
I admire your passion. You realize I had to ask. The 'grilled cheese' question is my version of the 'pre-nup'. I do so enjoy me a post snuggle grilled cheese sammich. I just didn't want you to feel obligated by the overwhelming desire you will have to reward me with one after the sweet monkey love.
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