Wednesday, January 13, 2010


i confiscated this from a male student in my english I (ages 13-15) class. i was lecturing and saw he was feverishly scribbling in the back . . . at first, i was flattered, thinking he was so diligent in his lecture notes, but then . . .

verbatim (mistakes and all), you know, except the names, 'cause i'm a bitch, but not that big a bitch:

"Dear Jane,

To start I LOVE YOU! I wanna spend the rest of my life with you because you make me happy and when I'm around you I feel like if there's butterflies in my stomach.

I thought I would be able to stop loving you, but it is impossible. I grew too attached to you and I have so many great memories with you.

I'm so thankful that I met you because you're different from every other girl because you're beautiful, smart, brilliant, caring and you're just a "keeper".

I'm sorry for all the harm I've caused you. I wish I could just take all of it back, but like you told me, "You learn from your mistakes."

I look forward to the future. Do you think we'll ever get married? I guess we'll find out when we're older.

Remember that I promise you that we will never ever leave each other or break apart. I'm keeping my promise forever and ever. Just remember that even though we're fighting, I'm always going to be right here for you no matter what happens.

I want you because I notice that when you are around me you're happy and I always want you to be happy. I want you so I can spoil you with love and everything you need. I want you because I know I can treat you better than those piece of shit exes you had, who hurt your heart. I don't want you to go through all of that again.


By the power in vested in me, Bob, I give you, Jane, my body, my heart and my soul. The only way this contract can be broken is if the owner of Bob, you, Jane, decides that you don't want me anymore.




Ummm . . . I love you, Boo.


Let's get married?


You have BEAUTIFUL eyes!"

now, why can't i get men to say/do this kind of shit for ME?!?!

wait, don't answer that.

ps: i gave the kid his letter back.

pps: but not until i'd read it and transcribed it for posterity.

ppps: yeah, ok, I AM THAT BIG A BITCH.

pppps: fuck you, you'd have done the same thing.


The Wandering Gentile said...

Hello, old friend! It is good to see you online again. Here I am hoping that the next few days find George Clooney or his twin offering the same words you have quoted above.

I feared that I had offended in some way. I lost half a dozen readers last year, mostly because I would not back away from the assertion that Mrs. Palin thinks Taco Bell is a major player in Mexican Telecommunications.

Half a dozen readers is a HUGE percentage loss when one's readrship languishes in the lower double digits.

The Wandering Gentile, from a truckstop in Modesto, before a short guided tour of Van Nuys.

ps-If there were no Mrs. Wandering Gentile, I would totally be queued up IN FRONT of Mr. Clooney.

Mr C said...

there you go - now don't say men never say romantic things to you again.

De Campo said...

Touching. I just cut and pasted it to use myself down the road.

Just how many exes does the typical 13-15 year old girl/boo have in your school?

Lana Banana said...

gil! awww, you're sweet, as well as delusional.

i think clooney and his twin are busy banging really hot chicks. so, i won't be holding my breath any time soon.

listen, as far as your readers are concerned . . . fuck them if they think they need to stand up for sarah palin, of all people!

fucking satan worshipers.

that woman is straight up evil and anyone who defends her is likewise evil or just really, really, really fucking dumb. in either case, you ought to rejoice in their disappearance. you need readers like them like you need a hole in the head.

plus, you've got ME!

and we costa rica lovers need to stick together.

anyhow, enjoy van nuys! that's whereabouts i grew up . . . the san fernando valley . . . it's a shit hole, but it's MY shit hole.

mr. c: my lips are sealed.

mr. de campo, sir: i'm so glad you're recycling that letter. words like those bear repeating and repeating and repeating and . . .

how many exes does the average female boo have at my school? lots, apparently. waaaaaaay more than i ever had in high school or, you know, ever.

Pearl said...

I love the fact that they've been through a lot together already...



Mr C said...

Ok, some weird stuff going on. Apparently I am the 666th person to visit since you added that site meter thing... on top of that my word verification for today is 'chanting'

I may struggle to come to terms with the knowledge that I may be the antichrist.


Hogday said...

Shit, when I was his age I was more interested in making model airplanes - so little time now - what a fool I was. Should've read Tess of the Tosterone.

But I tell my wife I love her, and more, every single day. Oh how I wasted my time all those years ago. Regrets? Moi?? Naah, I have fab wife and two motorcycles, one of which is a Harley fucking Davidson - eat my wake, world.

Lana Banana said...

pearl: i know, right? i didn't start giving my body, mind, heart and soul away to different dudes until i was at least 21 or so . . .

mr. c: sweetie, you're just figuring this out now? i've always known it about you.

hd: don't worry, like i said to pearl, i was a late bloomer, too. and like you, i don't have any regrets, either.

i mean, i can build the baddest lego castle EVER . . . so, there!

Cheryl said...

That is one of the greatest love letters of all time. The owner of Bob, you...that says it all right there. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Lana Banana said...

cheryl: ain't it though? but guys stop writing that shit in high school . . . wish i'd known. i'd have saved all those letters . . .

ah, hindsight, etc. . . .