Saturday, January 16, 2010


true story (i have to say this 'cause with all the craziness that goes on in my life, y'all must think i make this shit up. well, i don't):

on thursday of this week, ms. teacher x (not her real name), who teaches next door to me (american literature, ages 15-17), sees a flash go off in her first class of the day. it's early and there are only 5 students in her room.

mx: you cannot take photos of me or of my classroom. you know this. it's in my syllabus. and it's against school rules to have your phone out in class. please delete that picture from your phone at once.

kid: sure, no problem. sorry. there . . . it's deleted.

mx: show me. i want to make sure it's gone. bring me your phone.

kid: sure. here's my phone.

at this point, ms. x takes the kid's phone and scrolls through the photos as the kid watches over her shoulder.

she doesn't find her picture, but she does, suddenly, see a photo of the kid's penis.

yes, the kid's penis.


ms. x summarily clasps the phone shut, thrusts it back into the kid's hand and looks away.


kid: i'm so sorry, ms. x. i forgot that was on there. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it was for a girl, she asked me to do it.

mx: i understand.

then, she picks up the phone, calls security, who confiscates the phone and escorts the kid down to the dean of discipline, where his parents are called and asked to come to school for a conference with THE WHOLE WORLD.

if that'd been me instead of ms. x, i would've died.

to ms. x's credit, she was calm and composed . . . the consummate professional.

after the kid leaves, the other students ask, "why'd you do that? it was just a picture!"

yeah, JUST a picture that can JUST be photoshopped in JUST about a million different ways . . . some of which could get her fired.

anyway, the kid went back to class yesterday. he was, according to ms. x, good-natured and mature about the whole thing. apologized to her, again. understood why she had to turn him in . . .

i mean, can you imagine if she hadn't?

kid: hey, guys, ms. x saw a picture of my wang . . .

and then the whole thing gets all out of whack.

the moral: if you're gonna take pictures of your privates, make sure you delete them afterwards. hmmm?


Hogday said...

What a story! And i thought I was being cheeky just drawing the occasional one in class. Even this would have been less risque

Lana Banana said...

bwaaaaaaah . . . that's NOT less risque, but it's definitely A LOT funnier.

thanks, hd.

powdergirl said...

Excuse me, I'd love to stay and comment, but I have to go taser my sons for while.

white rabbit said...

This is all very well but wearing a full body penis outfit as per pic???


Lana Banana said...

pg: i love you. i do. i mean that. and no, it's not just your love of explosives and willingness to beat the shit out of people you don't know on behalf of someone you've never met.


it's more than that.

i love that your idea of "parenting" involves a taser.


do you know how amazing my life would be if more of my parents followed your example.

god bless you, pg, god bless you.

easter bunny: what did you want? the ACTUAL photo? or at least a picture of a real wang?

what sort of insane slut do you take me for?

see, in america, not only would that make me look uber creepy, it would also land me in jail.

i imagine this is the same in the uk.

maybe not.

you tell me, you're the lawyer.

if this is really a problem for you, i'm willing to take submissions.

feel free to email me your photo at: ________________________.

what's that? you can't see my email address?

fucking pesky invisible fonts . . .

Mr London Street said...

Or the moral might just be: don't take a picture of your privates full stop.

Lana Banana said...

mr. london: that's no fun.

what's the matter with you?

i read about you getting it on in the park. you can't fool me. you've already divulged your deviant side and there's no going back . . .

Mr London Street said...

I had a traumatic experience with nude photos, let's just leave it at that. I did a blog post about it but the scars still haven't healed.

Lana Banana said...

mr. london: oh, alright, fine. i'll let you stay . . . if only because you are, hands down, one the most gifted writers i've ever read.

christ almighty.

ps: funny how writing about personal trauma doesn't immediately make it all go away, huh?

i keep writing about being fat, but i'm STILL fat.

maybe less blogging, more gym?

there's a thought . . .

Clyde said...

Hmm, take photo of my wang---ok
Now what sort of pose should it be-
What background should I use
Can I get it to smile
Can I make it look cheeky
Ah, like a school photo--stand erect and look all sort of formal.

Ah, it's all too hard

Lana Banana said...

if you really wanted to make it look "cheeky", clyde, dear, you could tuck it in the back and . . . presto!

The Wandering Gentile said...

It is an amusing story, but one asks...what if this had been a male teacher and a female student's cell phone? One imagines lawsuits and harassment charges against the luckless teacher. It is just another reason to state that zero-tolerance policies are less useful than judgement in some situations.